LOVE.

I love this Kendrick Lamar song so much that I made it my ringtone.  He is a fantastic lyricist, absolutely mesmerizing in this song, and the snippets of vulnerability, ironically, make him appear stronger, or more manly, if you will.  To quote my college Creative Writing teacher, “Every word counts.”  :) 

I’ve been angry with men for quite some time now, as it dawns on me in a sheepish moment :/ 

A friend of mine suddenly barked at me for complaining about a man asking me out and, even though I wanted to continue ranting, as I am occasionally apt to do, I was stunned agape :O Moments later, he added, “it’s not their faults.”  He threw me for a further loop, insisting that I should be more understanding.  Whoa.  Ummm...extended loss for words on that one.  It’s both sexes actually, but one gives me more occasion than the other to fly off the handle.  I’ll work on this.  Clearly I have trust issues, so I’m either going to have to do something seriously scary and actually put some trust out there again, or proceed to further isolate...oops.  But I like me. I trust me.  I know I won’t hurt me.   

Love should last forever, stifling fear, anger, lust, and ego.

There should be no retaliation after a break-up; certainly anger should not last long, if there is any at all, but many people hold onto anger out of hurt.  After a certain point, they should realize they are hurting themselves just as much, especially when kids are involved.  The men I’ve loved deeply are better than that, so incredibly intelligent and handsome that most people go all out goofy in such a peaking presence:) so intelligent they make the average man look like Goofy, and with such nice assets, it was incredibly tough to let either go.  I ran back a few times to the safety of my children's home, but my ex husband mishandled my spirit with heavy flippancy.  I guess some things are tucked carefully away from bright, healing illumination, unable to compromise ego in order to valiantly do the right things. There are so many destructive ways to nourish our raging demons inside, smoking, drinking, eating, sexing, trusting....  I'm getting good at rising above the back-peddling of bitter retaliatory remarks and ideas, and it's really tough sometimes when I'm on a particularly traumatic roll, writing in my Memoir, (now one hundred fifteen pages already!) break from my educated lucidity and cram as many foul insults into the rest of my sentence, gritting my teeth through images no one should ever have to see replay in her head.    If you're reading this, and if you're not, bon voyage, and happy trails, and boy; yes it's going to be a nice Christmas Season.  I work right next to the latest display; yay:D